If Only
by Penybright
Summary: COMPLETE! She found Heero around the back. He had wandered into the picturesque gardens and was seated on one of the ornate wrought iron benches. He was hunched over, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket.
1. Searching

~ Well, Betrayal & Redemption seems to have bombed. I thought I'd try something else. Trust me, there's a good reason for this being under drama. It will become very clear to you in the next part. That is, of course, if everyone likes this part. I'd love to know what you thought about it. Please review? Please? I'm begging you! 

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, but the plot IS mine. 

If Only 

Part I 

By: Penybright 

A.C. 197 

It was finally over. The fighting, anger, and senseless killing was at last over. Peace had come to grace the world once more. This time, though, it was a _true_ peace. One that would last. The people were not going to allow their newfound peace to be taken from them, at any cost. Peace was there to stay. 

Heero Yuy watched pensively from the balcony of the large auditorium, as Relena gave her speech. Eloquent words about peace and unity flowed freely from her lips. Those words wrapped around her audience, captivating them and commanding their attention. Seeing that everything was as it should be, Heero turned and left. The only trace of his presence was the slight swaying of the disturbed green curtain. 

Relena glanced up at the movement of a curtain on the balcony to her left. A small smile quirked her mouth. So, Heero had come after all. She turned her attention back to her audience, her expression becoming serious once more. 

'Good-bye, Heero,' she thought wistfully. 'We'll meet again someday...' 

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Heero went directly from the conference to his shuttle flight. He was going to hand in his final mission report personally. Dr. J had insisted on meeting. Heero knew the crafty old man was up to something, but complied nonetheless. The shuttle ride to L1 was quiet and uneventful. One could almost describe it as boring, but a trip to the heavens is never boring. 

Heero stepped off the shuttle, slinging his jacket over his shoulder and casually walking towards the location chosen for the meeting. Several minutes later, he found himself standing outside an abandoned warehouse. Without the slightest hesitation, Heero wrenched the door open and stepped inside. Inside, it was dark, but not pitch-black. Dull, gray light filtered in through cracks in the boarded windows. 

"So, you finally decided to show up Yuy." 

"Dr. J," Heero nodded. 

"Well?" Dr. J asked impatiently. Heero reached into a pocket on his jacket, slipping a small disk out. He handed it silently to Dr. J. 

"About time," the Dr. harumphed. "Well Yuy, it appears your job is finished. You're free to go now." 

Heero stared at him blankly. 

"The wars are over. There's no longer any need for your... abilities. Here," Dr. J said, handing Heero a small object. Heero looked at the item in the palm of his hand with curiosity. It was a gold, oval shaped locket on a fine gold chain. He flipped it open, starring intently at the two people depicted within. 

The man had the same messy chocolate hair as Heero, sporting the same smirk as the Perfect Soldier also. The woman had dazzling Prussian blue eyes and the same facial features as Heero. Heero looked sharply at Dr. J. 

"Who are they?" 

"Your parents." 

"Why now?" 

"I couldn't allow anything to distract you from your mission," The Dr. replied blandly. Heero clinched his jaw, biting back the insults he wished to express. He knew Dr. J would only mock him for allowing his anger to get the better of him. 

"Their names are engraved on the back," Dr. J commented, before turning and walking away. 

Heero turned sharply on his heel, stalking out the door and back to the airport. He quickly booked the next flight back to Earth. Once settled on the shuttle, Heero turned the locket over, reading aloud the engraving. 

"Conrad & Sora Yuy." 

'But, how is that possible?' Heero wondered. "Heero Yuy was only my code name... Or was it?' Heero mused. Intent on finding an answer to this rather annoying problem, Heero pulled out his laptop, clicking it on. The search had begun. 

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Several hours later, Heero exited the shuttle with his answers, and a destination. He had discovered that the _real_ Heero Yuy had had siblings, one of which was his father. As shocking as it was, the truth was there. Who would have thought that his name _really_ was his name. 

Heero found the prospect of actually meeting his parents exciting, and yet, at the same time he was slightly anxious. All his life he had wondered about his past. Had he been taken from his family? If so, then why didn't they search for him? Maybe they had abandoned him? There were many numerous possibilities, and only two people knew the answers. Now that he knew the truth, Heero wasn't sure if he wanted to meet the people who had, essentially, abandoned him. He did, however, want the answers to his past. 

Heero's questions were to be in vain though. No answers would be given to him, not on this day. The address he had found, was incorrect. The current resident of the building, had given Heero the correct address. That was how Heero Yuy found himself in a graveyard standing over a large tombstone. 

~ Well? Do you like it? I know the probability of Heero's father actually being a Yuy is impossible, but I thought, hey why not? Stranger things have been know to happen. Besides, it makes for a very nice plot twist. So, tell me what you think. Should I even bother to continue?. 


	2. Questions Unanswered

~ Okay, about the whole Yuy thing... Is Heero's real name Odin Lowe Jr.? I mean really IS it? I think it's a kind of wishy-washy subject. But, for the sake of this fic, just let me have my own crazy ideas. Okay? Please don't hate me or anything for taking creative liberty. ANYway, there's a nice twist in this chapter. It might shock you, it might not. Oh, and THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed! You made my life a little brighter, and inspired me to continue. 

Disclaimer: Maybe in another reality I own Gundam Wing, but not this one. 

If Only 

Part II 

By: Penybright 

Heero pulled the locket out, checking the names engraved on its back to those etched on the stone before him. There was no mistake, no denying it. He allowed himself a small sigh. He supposed it was fitting. His past would always be shrouded in secrets and shadows. 

The year they had died caught his eye. 

"After Colony one-nine-five," Heero read aloud, scanning down to the short inscription below. Heero gasped as his eyes widened in horror. 

"No..." 

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Relena had come to the graveyard today to visit her foster father's memorial. She came every so often to pay her respects. Sometimes, she would talk to his grave, smiling at the irony of it all. Today, was no different. Glancing up, Relena noticed a familiar figure standing several feet from her. He was standing over a large headstone, head bowed. 

'Why would Heero be here?' Relena wondered. 'He has no family that he knows of...' 

Relena gasped sharply as Heero suddenly crumpled to the ground. 

"Oh, god! What happened to him?" she cried, scrambling to her feet to rush over to him. Relena dropped to her knees beside Heero's shaking body. His eyes were lifeless. Instead of the cold glare, Relena found nothing. Heero was staring blankly at the stone behind Relena, his breathing harsh and raspy as he shivered uncontrollably. His right hand was clasped in a death grip over a small object. 

Relena couldn't fathom what could possibly make Heero react so violently. A battlefield of twisted and bloody bodies didn't even make him flinch. So what, could possibly have Heero Yuy in a complete state of shock? 

"H- Heero?" Relena questioned warily. He didn't acknowledge her presence, but continued to stare blankly. 

"Heero, what's wrong?" Relena asked, tentatively reaching her hand towards him. When Relena's hand touched his shoulder, Heero flinched away, curling himself into a ball. Now Relena wasn't _worried_, she was _terrified_. Beginning to panic, she fished her cell phone out of her purse. Relena's hands shook as she dialed 911. After making the call, she turned back to Heero. He was still shaking, and he began to mumble unintelligibly. 

"No," he whispered hoarsely. "No..." 

"No, what Heero?" Relena asked, trying to get some answers. 

"They're dead," he shuddered. 

"Who's dead Heero?" 

"They're gone..." 

"Who?" Relena asked again. 

"I killed them," Heero whispered, his voice barely audible as he shut his eyes tightly. "I killed them," he began to whisper harshly over and over. 

Relena was completely confused, and seriously worried. Had Heero finally snapped? She knew he wasn't the most mentally stable person, but... The ambulance finally arrived, and Relena was extremely grateful. She hoped that Heero would receive the help he needed as she watched the ambulance speed away, memories of their first meeting playing through her mind. She couldn't understand why he had snapped like that. Who had he killed that caused such a reaction? During the wars he had killed hundreds with no remorse. Who could be important enough...? 

Relena sighed heavily. She knew only one person could answer her questions. She didn't think she'd get any answers out of him in his current state, though. Relena picked herself up from the ground, where she had been sitting in a daze. Before walking back to her limo, which was waiting at the main gates, Relena glanced at the headstone behind her. 

"Here lies Conrad & Sora Yuy, casualties of the Hickory Base incident." Relena read. She looked at the marker curiously for a moment, before turning and leaving. 

"I wonder," she mused, heading towards her waiting limo. 

~ Well? Do you understand what happened? Or, are you still confused? AND, Does Heero have other family? Hmm, I guess you'll have to wait till the next part to fins out. 


	3. Breakdown

~ Wow! I must be doing something right to be getting all these reviews. Thanks everybody! I promise to write fast and get the chapters out as soon as possible! Well, you'll be pleased to note that this chapter is a bit longer. Some of you are probably going to flame me screaming: "There is no way Heero would act like that!" Well, I beg to differ. To you he may seem a bit OOC, but he is having a nervous breakdown. Don't forget that. And, don't forget that inside, Heero is really a "kindhearted young boy". Okay, now I'll let you read the story. Sorry that I went off on a tangent there! 

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is copyrighted. You all know what that means, right? 

If Only 

Part III 

By: Penybright 

Relena walked anxiously into the hospital room. She wasn't quite sure what to expect. Relief flooded through her when she saw that Heero was sleeping peacefully. Apparently, he had been given a sedative, which had calmed him down. Relena knew there was no telling what Heero was capable of when he was mentally unstable. As she approached his bed, she saw the I.V. tube running from his arm, liquid slowly dripping into it. 

"Ah, Minister Dorlain," a voice from behind startled her. Relena turned to see that a doctor had just entered the room. 

"You're a friend of the patient I assume?" 

"... Yes," Relena answered cautiously. "I guess I am." 

"Well, your friend appears to have gone into complete shock. Do you know the cause of this?" 

"No, I'm sorry. I have no idea what caused his condition." 

"He was brought her from Longmont Memorial, correct?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you have any idea why he was there?" 

"He was visiting someone's grave," Relena replied, thinking that the answer should be fairly obvious. 

"Thank you," The doctor replied, nodding. "If we could understand what caused his condition, we would be able to help him a great deal better," the doctor explained. 

"How is he?" Relena asked, dreading the answer. 

"For now, he's stabilized and resting. When he wakes up, he should be calmer due to the sedatives. For now, that's all we can do." 

"Thank you," Relena said kindly. 

"Perhaps a familiar face will help him," the doctor said, turning and exiting. Relena turned back to Heero's sleeping form. She supposed that if he didn't get any better, she'd have to contact the other pilots. Maybe, with their combined efforts, they would be able to bring Heero back to his old self. Relena was startled from her musings when Heero's eyes fluttered open. He stared blankly at the ceiling above him. 

"Heero?" 

Heero turned his head to look at Relena. When his gaze fell on her, Relena gasped. His eyes had a haunted quality to them, their Prussian blue now faded. 

"Relena... I..." he abruptly turned away from her. 

"Heero, what happened?" Relena asked quietly as she approached him. He refused to look at her, meet her gaze. 

"Leave me alone." 

"I can't do that. I want to help you, Heero. In order to help, I need to understand what happened. Heero, who has caused you this pain?" 

Heero's head suddenly snapped around to look at her. Relena saw profound sorrow etched on his features. 

"I killed them," he murmured. "It's all my fault. If not for me, they'd still be alive. Relena... I killed them," Heero said, looking into her eyes, beseeching her for forgiveness. Relena wanted to forgive him, but had no idea what to forgive him for. 

"Who?" she whispered softly. 

"My... parents..." Heero choked out. Relena gasped, and her eyes grew wide. 

"How?" she blurted out without thinking. Heero averted his eyes, turning away once again. 

"I destroyed the base they were stationed at. I'm nothing but a murderer! I killed the people who brought me into this world. I repaid their kindness by killing them! They should have killed me when they had the chance, they never should have let me survive..." 

"Heero! Don't talk like that! You had no idea that they were your parents. How could you have known? You didn't purposely kill them." 

"I killed them," he whispered remorsefully as he began to sob. Relena was completely shocked. She didn't know that Heero even knew how to cry. The Perfect Soldier was now nothing more than a lost child, begging for someone to ease his pain, end his suffering. Relena's heart went out to him. After all he had suffered, he didn't deserve this. Relena sat on the edge of Heero's hospital bed and pulled him into her arms. He grasped onto the lapels of her coat with a death grip, sobbing copiously. 

"Why?" he choked out between sobs. "Why?" 

Relena held him tighter, willing for his pain to cease. She knew that Heero could survive this. He was strong, but in her heart, she knew that Heero had already given up. He had always survived through impossible odds, but now fate had caught up with him. Relena decided then and there that fate would not have its way. Heero was going to recover. She was going to make sure of it personally. Instinctively, her arms wrapped tighter around Heero, holding him against her as he cried on her shoulder. 

"I'm not going to let it end like this," Relena whispered soothingly. "I still believe in you..." 

At these words, Heero calmed slightly and his grip loosened. Relena sighed heavily as she felt Heero go lax in her arms as he fell asleep. Tomorrow she would have to contact the others. The pilots now had a new battle to face. Perhaps their hardest yet. 

~ Did this chapter turn out okay? Well, I'm finally going to get the other pilots in this story. Also, I haven't decided yet if Heero should have a brother or a sister, or both (or maybe none?). What do you think? 


	4. Suicide

~ Thank you , thank you, thank you to everyone who reviewed! I must apologize, I didn't manage to get the other pilots in this chapter. They're in the next one though. I promise! All right, now on with the... story! 

Disclaimer: "A refusal to grant the truth of a statement or charge." Hm... I wonder if there are any loopholes? 

If Only 

Part IV 

By: Penybright 

Relena led a dazed Heero through the door of her mansion, tugging lightly on his hand. She allowed him to glance disinterestedly at his surroundings, before guiding him to the staircase. Relena then began to guide Heero up the stairs, glancing at him worriedly. Heero was staring vacantly into space, his movements languid and mechanical. Relena sighed, tears threatening to flow. It was disheartening to see him like this. 

Heero had been discharged from the hospital only two hours ago. Relena had informed the doctor that Heero would be staying with her. There were more than enough rooms in the expansive mansion. The doctor agreed and instructed Relena on the time and dosage of Heero's medication, and what to do if Heero suddenly snapped. 

They finally reached the door to Heero's room and Relena turned the knob, swinging the door open. She flipped the lights on and ushered Heero inside. 

"This is you room," Relena said gently, turning to face him. Heero showed no response. 

"My room is right across the hall if you need me," she explained. Still, no response. Relena sighed again, gently taking Heero's hand. She led him over to the French doors leading out to the balcony. The view overlooked the picturesque garden below. The flowers we gone due to winter's approach, but the shrubs were still green and hearty. 

The scenery did nothing to Heero's blank, stoic expression. He simply sunk to the floor, sitting Indian-style in front of the doors. Relena decided to leave him be for the moment, and quietly exited the room. He was still in the same spot whe she came to get him for dinner six hours later. 

Getting Heero to eat, Relena found to be a chore. It was a miracle that she managed to get him to eat three bites. She practically had to spoon feed him those. Relena began to wonder how much longer she could keep this up on her own. It would be a day or two before the other pilots finally arrived. 

The hospital visits had been less than pleasant, and smotheringly quite. Since that first day, Heero had only spoken two or three words, most of which were one syllable. In order for Heero to heal, Relena knew he had to let his feelings out. She had tried to get him talk, which resulted in him sinking away even further. Heero never did deal with emotions to well, and this was proving to be no exception. Relena only hoped that the presence of Heero's comrades would help him open up a little. 

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Late that evening, Relena was startled awake by the sound of shattering glass. She immediately grabbed her robe, stumbling down the steps to the kitchen. She had heard the noise from there. The first thing Relena saw was Heero, lying slumped against the cupboards. She picked her way through the shards of glass to him, her breath leaving her when she saw him fully. 

"Oh, god no!" she choked out. "How could you?" Relena accused as tears began to stream down her face. She grabbed a towel from the counter and bent down in front of him. Blood had already formed a pool beneath his slit wrists. A bloody knife lay several inches from him. Relena wanted to scream, but held it back. She never should have left him alone. This was partially her fault... 

"Please... No..." Heero murmured weakly, feebly trying to tug his wrists from her grasp. 

"I...I- I can't," Relena sobbed. "Heero, I can't let you go!" 

"Please," he begged, his hooded eyes pleading for her to let him go. "I- I don't want to feel the pain anymore..." 

"Heero..." 

"Relena, let me go... Please," Heero whispered breathily as he began to shiver. 

"No!" Relena shouted. "I'm not letting you go this easily. You have to fight!" 

"No," Heero murmured feverishly. Relena frantically grabbed the phone and dialed. She waited in agony, holding the bloody towel over Heero's wrists as he continued to fight her. By the time the paramedics arrived, the towel was soaked, and Heero had passed out. Relena was a nervous wreak, not even able to speak coherently. 

'How could you? Why?' the questions continued to repeat in her mind like a chant, haunting her. 

"Did I do the right thing?" Relena whispered sorrowfully as the ambulance sped away. 

~ Do you understand why this is under drama now? I haven't decided yet if this should have a happy ending... I'm just not sure. Well, I'll get part five out as soon as possible. Thanks for reading! 


	5. Duo Arrives

~ I must first humbly apologize for this chapter being so late. Things just seem to be falling apart lately... Oh well. Um, I don't really have much to say about this part, except that I think it sucks... I guess that's about it. Oh, and of course I'd like to thank everyone for your great reviews! Thanks!!!!!! 

Disclaimer: I am poor, therefore there is no way I could possibly own Gundam Wing. 

If Only 

Part V 

By: Penybright 

The sound of the doorbell startled Relena out of her funk. She picked herself up from the couch and trudged over to the door to answer it. When Relena swung the door open, Duo was standing there. When Duo saw Relena's morbid expression, he smiled, trying to lighten her mood. It didn't work so Duo thought he'd try a little humor. 

"So, where's self destructo boy?" 

Instead of having the intended effect, Relena broke down in tears. Duo's grin immediately disappeared, and his eyes filled with worry. 

"What happened?" Duo asked quietly, dreading the answer. Relena shook her head and continued to weep. 

"He... He's in the hospital," Relena managed to choke out between sobs, as Duo's heart sank. 

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Why? Why wouldn't she let him go? What reason was there for him to live? Everything was gone now... He'd served his purpose, and now it was done. All he wanted was for the pain to finally end. Apparently, he couldn't even have that much. Was it really so much to ask? It wasn't as though he was begging for his life. No, he was only asking to die, to let the world be done with him. 

He had given up so much, sacrificed so many things. Were his sacrifices in vain? He had suffered so that others would not. Wasn't it time that someone else took on his suffering? Why? Why had fate chosen this destiny for him? Why... 

Heero's melancholy thoughts were interrupted as the door to his hospital room creaked open. Relena stepped softly into the room. 

"Heero, Duo is here to see you..." 

Duo walked in after Relena, surprisingly quite and subdued. 

"Hey buddy," Duo said, his usual cheer missing. 

"Go away." 

"Same old Heero," Duo laughed halfheartedly. A pained smile quirked at Relena's lips. 

"He won't talk to anyone," Relena explained. "He usually doesn't even acknowledged that you're there. He spends all day staring out the window, or at the ceiling," Relena paused before going on. "I wish I knew what he was thinking." 

"Don't we all," Duo sighed. "What do the doctors have to say?" 

"Nothing much, really. Heero has to put some effort forth, or he'll never recover. The doctors can only do so much with medications." 

Heero listened to the two of them talk about him as if he weren't there, impassively. They wanted to know what he was thinking? He was thinking that life was a curse, his in particular. He wanted to die, but something wouldn't let him. 

"Perhaps I'm meant to suffer more..." He mused aloud, without realizing it. Duo and Relena stopped talking and looked at him with concern. 

"Maybe you better tell me how this whole thing started," Duo said while ushering Relena out of the room. 

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Heero was once again left alone with his thoughts as the two left. Everything became deathly quite once more. Heero liked the silence. He glanced down at his bandaged writs, looking at them with curiosity. His attempt to escape had been foiled, but he wasn't going to give up so easily. Heero was persistent, and very stubborn. He'd just have to try harder. 

Left alone in his solitude, Heero began to work over other plans of escape. He knew that his friends would never allow him to elude them. Didn't they understand? Why were they making him suffer? What more could possibly be needed of him? There had to be a way to escape the pain... 

~ I know it's not that great... I personally think this chapter is sort of disappointing. Anyway, at least I finally got one of the pilots in. The rest of them will be popping up in the next few chapters. 


	6. Tears

Body ~ I feel really guilty about not getting part five out sooner, so I got my butt moving and wrote part six. I hope that this chapter fairs better than the last. It's frustrating. I've got so many ideas, but I have to figure out how to piece them together. Anyway, thanks once again for the reviews, and I hope this chapter is more enjoyable. 

Disclaimer: Hah, you've got to be kidding! 

If Only 

Part VI 

By: Penybright 

Several days later, Heero was released from the hospital. He had slipped back into his lethargy, acting as if the rest of the world didn't exist. Maybe for him, it didn't. When Heero was ushered in the door, he was greeted by a fidgeting Duo, and a stoic Trowa. Trowa had just arrived that morning, and Quatra would be arriving sometime that afternoon. 

The appearance of another of his comrades did not phase Heero, on the contrary, he seemed to see right through him. Trowa, for his part, reacted much the same way. Not a word was spoken between the two. Heero wandered past his two friends and sat numbly on the couch. Relena walked in several moments after him, carrying a small, paper bag. 

"I'll be right back. Watch him," she instructed the two pilots, before walking briskly away. The silence was palpable. Duo began to fidget, the pressing silence fraying at his nerves. 

"So, Heero..." 

"Shut up, Duo," Heero snapped. Duo was momentarily taken aback. It was the first reaction he'd been able to get in three days. 

"Go away," Heero said softly, turning his attention to the window on the right. Duo shrugged, and sat down in the chair across from Heero. Trowa remained standing, leaning lightly against the wall. Silence once more resumed, until Relena entered the room. She was carrying a glass of water and a small bottle. Relena set the glass down, and opened the bottle, shaking out two pills. 

"Heero," Relena coaxed, trying to get his attention. Heero turned to look at her disdainfully. 

"Your medication," Relena prompted, handing him the two small pills. Heero stared at the pills, in the palm of his hand, blankly. 

"Put them in your mouth and swallow," Relena explained patiently, as she started to hand him the glass. 

"No." 

"Heero..." Relena sighed. "Take the pills, or you go back to the hospital, and they'll send you to an institution. Is that what you want?" she asked, her voice beginning to waver. Heero glanced at the three people in the room, popped the pills into his mouth, and swallowed them with a gulp of water. 

"Go away," he ordered, slouching against the couch and turning away. Relena thought that he looked like a sulky child in that instant. Duo was about to argue with Heero, when the doorbell's chimes interrupted him. Relena gave a meaningful glance to Duo, before leaving to answer the door. Duo simply rolled his eyes, and got up to follow her. Trowa remained leaning against the wall. 

Waiting on the doorstep, was a cheerful Quatre. His smile quickly disappeared when he saw the expressions on Duo's and Relena's faces. 

"I had hoped it wasn't that bad," Quatre sighed, thanking Relena as she held the door open for him. Quatre was about to ask Relena something, when there was a loud crash from the living room. The three of them instantly dashed into the room. Shattered pieces of ceramic were littered across the wooden floor haphazardly. Trowa was no longer leaning against the wall, but standing several inches from where the shards littered the floor. 

"Go away! Leave me alone!" Heero shouted, as he began to shake. He slumped to the couch, clutching his head. 

"Go away," he repeated forcefully, shaking his head. 

"We're not going anywhere until you tell us what's going on." Duo replied. 

"Leave me be!" Heero shouted at Duo, squeezing his eyes shut. "Just go away." 

"Heero, maybe you should go to your room," Relena responded evenly. "No one will bother you there." 

Heero seemed to consider her words before backing warily out of the room, constantly watching them to make sure no one followed him. There was a loud bang as Heero's door slammed shut. Relena looked at the mess on the floor and sighed. 

"I guess I better clean this up..." 

The three pilots exited quietly, retreating to the study to discuss the current events of Heero's mental state with Quatre. Relena bent down and began to gather up the larger chunks of ceramic, making a small pile. As she worked, tears began to sting her eyes, and she attempted to blink them back. It was no use, and she began to cry openly, unaware that she was being watched. 

Heero watched Relena cleaning up the broken vase from the balcony upstairs. He choked back a small gasp when Relena began to cry. She was crying because of him, he had caused her pain. 

"I'm sorry..." Heero whispered somberly, before turning and retreating guiltily to his room as a silent tear coursed unnoticed down his face. 

~ Well? Did this chapter fair better? I only have one more pilot to worm in somewhere... Thankfully I already have that figured out. Oh yes, and more Heero "torture" in the next chapter. 


	7. Runaway

Body ~ In the last part, I forgot to explain about Heero crying over Relena crying. Only one person seemed to pick up on the fact that it was... unusual. It's hard to explain, but Heero didn't even realize that he had shed a tear. It was sort of like his "body" reacting without his "mind" realizing it. If you don't understand what I'm babbling about sorry... Anyway, I know this chapter is kind of late, but you'll be pleased to note that it's a bit longer than the rest. Thanks, once again, to everyone who reviewed! I'll let you go now. I'm sure you'd rather read the story and not my senseless gibbering. 

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing, and it characters, do not belong to me. If they did belong to me... Well, I'd be a lot richer! 

If Only 

Part VII 

By: Penybright 

Heero refused to come out of his room for the rest of that day. As much as everyone pleaded and begged him to, Heero refused to even open the door. Uncertainly, they had left him alone. Everyone was on edge and uneasy, as they expected Heero to try something. The only thing that issued from Heero's room was silence, though. That evening, before she went to bed, Relena cracked open Heero's door to check up on him. She was mildly surprised to find him curled up on the bed, soundly asleep. 

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Quatre was surprised to see Heero walk in the kitchen the next afternoon. Heero ignored Quatre and shuffled over to a cupboard. Quatre was about to speak to Heero, then thought better of it. More than likely, it would be a one way conversation, and after yesterday's incident... Well, perhaps trying to strike up a conversation wasn't the best idea. Instead, Quatre resumed reading the paper spread out on the table before him. 

Quatre's reading was interrupted by a gasp, followed by the sound of fracturing glass. His head immediately snapped up from the paper and glanced over to Heero. Quatre quickly stood up and took a step towards Heero, but he shrank away. 

"Heero, are you okay?" Quatre asked, taking another step forward. Heero cringed further away, staring at the splinters of glass on the floor. 

"I- I'm sorry..." Heero said, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. The shuffling of another pair of feet caused Heero's head to snap up and see Relena. Relena looked at Quatre, then Heero, and then at the glass on the floor. Heero followed Relena's gaze, and he seemed to shrink further away. 

"I'm sorry... I should be punished," Heero whispered fearfully. 

"It was only an accident," Quatre reassured him. "We only want to know if you're okay." 

"I should be punished," Heero repeated, before dashing from the room. There was the sound of the front door being quickly opened and slammed shut. 

"Oh no!" Relena cried racing from the kitchen. Reaching the door, she wrenched it open and stumbled outside. Heero was nowhere to be seen. 

"Oh god no," she whispered anxiously, frantically searching for some sign of where Heero had gone. 

"Why would he react like that?" Relena wondered. "He knows that we won't hurt him, doesn't he?" Relena asked Quatre. Quatre gathered Relena into his arms as she began to cry. 

"I'm sure that Heero will be fine Miss Relena," Quatre replied soothingly. "He's a survivor." 

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Heero ran, not knowing where he was going, and not really caring either. All he knew was that he had to get away. He didn't want to see her cry again... not because of him. Heero ran until his legs could carry him no further, slumping wearily to the ground. He leaned back against a brick wall, gulping in ragged gasps of air. He wasn't quite sure where he was, and the sky was beginning to darken. Instead of heading back, Heero pulled his knees up, wrapping his arms around his legs. He rested his forehead on his knees and began to rock back-and-forth. The motion was, to him, comforting. 

"What have we here?" a gruff voiced asked, startling Heero. He looked up to see a group of thugs snickering at him. The group's leader appeared to be the one who had spoken. 

"Poor little boy must have got lost," one of the men mocked. 

"To bad for him," The leader smirked. Heero found himself hauled roughly to his feet by the scruff of his shirt, and then it began... 

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When there was a knock at the door, Relena flew up from her seat and dashed to answer it. Flinging open the door, she found a bruised and bloody Heero. His injuries didn't appear to be life threatening, and his cuts looked as though they would, thankfully, not need stitches. 

"What happened to you?" Duo exclaimed upon seeing Heero. Heero ignored him and walked through the door. 

"I'm tired," Heero uttered, standing uncertainly at the foot of the stairs. 

"I'm sure you are," Quatre commented, looking at the extent of Heero's wounds. His right eye was swollen shut, and there was a large cut on his left temple. Heero's left arm had a long cut running from his elbow to his wrist, and the right arm was scrapped raw. Numerous bruises were mottled across his skin, and many more were probably hidden from view by his shirt. 

"I think," Relena began, "that you should go take a hot shower, and then I'll have a look at those scrapes. They don't look to deep, but they should be tended to." 

Heero nodded and headed up to his room. 

"Trowa, could you please get the ice packs out of the freezer for me while I raid the medicine cabinet?" Relena asked, as she to headed upstairs. Trowa nodded an headed for the kitchen. Relena turned back to look at Quatre and Duo. 

"Could you two do something for me?" 

"Sure, what is it?" Duo replied. 

"I want you to see if you can find out whether or not Heero has any siblings." 

"How?" Quatre asked, puzzled. "We don't even know his parents' names." 

"They're names were Conrad and Sora Yuy," Relena replied as she continued to walk up the steps. 

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It was about twenty minutes later when Relena walked into Heero's room, carrying an armful of bandages, ointments, and other medical supplies. Heero was sitting on the edge of his bed wearing only a pair of pajama bottoms. The accompanying shirt was lying beside him. Relena took one look at the bruises marring his skin, and winced. She quickly began to work, first smearing ointment on Heero's scrapes and cuts, and then bandaging his arms. When she was finished, Relena helped Heero into his shirt, and assisted him in lying down. Relena then placed an ice pack gently over Heero's right eye. 

"Thank you," he mumbled wearily. 

"You're welcome Heero. You know that the others and I will always be here if you need us." Relena paused, and then went on. "Heero, why did you run away?" 

"I... didn't want to see you cry because of my mistake." 

"Heero... What makes you think I would cry over a broken glass?" 

"You cried when I broke the vase," he replied solemnly. 

"I wasn't crying because you broke the vase. I was crying because of the pain and suffering you're feeling," Relena said with a soft smile. 

"Thank you," Heero muttered again, looking into Relena's eyes. Relena's smile became brighter when she noticed that his gaze didn't look so dead. As small glint of the Heero she used to know was shinning through. Maybe he was going to beat this after all... 

~ Um... Yeah, well... I'm not sure how much more there is to this. I've got a few other scenes figured out, and then I'm not sure where to go from there. Any suggestions? 


	8. Unwanted Reunion

Body ~ Uh... sorry about spelling Quatre's name wrong. What was I thinking!?! (probably nothing) Anyway, I must apologize, once again, for this chapter being late. I've been having a tough time lately. I almost gave up the whole writing thing altogether... I'm back now though (or as my friend put it: I have regained my spark) I'm not sure when I'll get part 9 out... I do know that this is getting close to the end. Anyway, I hope you enjoy! 

Disclaimer: *mumbles* Gundam Wing and it's charters do not belong to me. Are you happy now? 

If Only 

Part VIII 

By: Penybright 

Over the course of the next week, Heero seemed to improve minutely. Instead of completely ignoring that there was someone in the room with him, he would look at the person when spoken to. At times he still slipped into his blank lethargy, ignoring everyone and everything. He happened to be in such a state when Quatre left. 

Quatre apologized for having to leave so suddenly, but urgent business at home had called him back. Truthfully, Quatre didn't really want to go. One of his fellow comrades was more important to him than a business deal. Unfortunately, Quatre's family was against him on that matter. 

"thank you for your hospitality, Miss Relena," Quatre said as she escorted him to the waiting limo. "I just wish I could be here to help you get Heero to see his sister. You're going to need all the help you can get." 

"I'm sure we'll manage," Relena assured Quatre. "Try not to worry about it too much." 

Quatre nodded and got in the limo. 

"I wish you the best of luck," he said before closing the door. Relena waited till the limo was out of sight before going back inside. 

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Trowa entered the limo, followed by a stoic and disheveled Heero. After Heero, came Duo, who had a scowl on his face. 

"Why did he have to choose now to be in one of his 'coherent' moods?" Duo grumbled. Relena sighed, and looked across at Heero, who had slipped back into one of his lethargic trances. He had been quite adamant about not wanting to visit his sibling. Trowa and Duo had... convinced him otherwise. The entire ride was spent in complete silence. When they finally arrived, it took some more "friendly" persuasion to get Heero out of the limo and to the front door. 

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The wooden door swung ponderously open to reveal a woman in her thirties. Long, chocolate colored hair cascaded over her shoulders, and bangs shadowed clear, blue eyes. 

"Miss Sara Yuy?" Relena asked politely. 

"Yes?" the woman responded warily. Relena paused, unsure of how to continue. 

"Are you the sister of a Heero Yuy who was presumed dead fifteen years ago?" 

"Yes..." 

"Miss Sara, your brother isn't dead." 

"I already knew that," she responded, startling them all. "I did watch the news during the wars." 

"Recent events have caused us to seek you out..." 

"You found him?" she asked hopefully. Relena smiled, and motioned to two young men standing behind her. They tugged someone forcefully out of the limo and Sara gasped. 

"Heero..." 

"It's him," Relena assured her. "He has recently undergone some emotional turmoil. He's... not quite with it. I was hoping that talking to you would help him. I don't know what else to do..." 

"I'll try," Sara assured. "And I think I know what caused all of this." 

"You mean... you know, and you don't hate him?" 

"How could I hate him? He didn't know, he couldn't have known. In a way, I feel more sorrow for him than I did for my parents..." 

Heero was dragged up to the door, his back rigid and his eyes staring off blankly into space. When he was placed before Sara, he seemed to stiffen even more, as if expecting a blow. Instead Sara pulled Heero into a warm hug, crying on his shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, hugging him tightly. 

~ So, Heero's sister forgives him, but... does Heero have other siblings who will be less sympathetic? 


	9. Conflicting Reactions

Body ~ I know I haven't posted in a _long_ time, and I'm really sorry about that. Have no fear, 

I am not dead (yet). I'm just a little overwhelmed at the moment. I've got three other fics 

besides this one that I'm writing. Not only that, but it's finals time. I promise that as soon 

as finals are over, chapters will be coming out a lot quicker. Anyway, I hope you enjoy 

this latest installment! 

Disclaimer: I do not, and never will own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. 

If Only 

Part VIIII 

By: Penybright 

When Sara hugged Heero, he tried to pull away, expecting Sara to hit him. When he 

realized that Sara had no intention of hurting him, Heero relaxed slightly. He wasn't quite 

sure how to react when Sara began to cry. Comforting was not something Heero had 

encountered frequently. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around Sara, hugging her back 

almost fearfully. 

Sara pulled back, looking into Heero's eyes, searching for something. 

"Why don't you come in and we'll talk," she suggested with a smile. Heero turned to the 

others, and they all nodded. 

"We'll be out here if you need us," Relena said, smiling softly. 

Sara tugged on Heero's hand, gently pulling him into the house, and closing the door 

behind her. 

"It's so wonderful to see you after all these years!" 

"Why?" Heero asked numbly. "Why would you be happy to see the monster who killed 

your parents, his _own_ parents?" 

Sara was momentarily speechless. 

"Heero It wasn't your fault. There is no way you could have known." 

"Hn." 

The kitchen door suddenly swung open violently. A man around the age of twenty with 

dark-blue, almost black, eyes and chestnut colored hair stalked in, slamming the door shut 

behind him. 

"Where is he!?!" 

"Cyril, please" Sara pleaded. 

Cyril rounded on Heero, glaring at him. 

"You!" 

Cyril stepped forward, punching Hero right on the jaw. Heero's head snapped back and to 

the side, but he didn't utter a protest. Cyril then proceeded to punch Heero in the gut, 

causing him to double over. Sara tried to pull Cyril away from Heero, but Cyril threw her 

against the wall. Sara scrambled to her feet and rushed outside to get help. 

When Duo and Trowa ran in, followed by Sara and Relena, Cyril was shouting at Heero as 

he kicked him. Heero was curled into a ball, trying to cringe away. Trowa grabbed Cyril's 

left arm, and Duo grabbed his right. The two of them managed to drag Cyril away from a 

battered and bloody Heero. 

"Bastard!" Cyril shouted, struggling to get away from his captors. 

Relena and Sara knelt beside Heero, trying to coax him out of the ball he had curled 

himself into. As Trowa and Duo held off Heero's enraged brother, the two women helped 

Heero out to the limo. Once Heero was safely inside, Cyril was released, and Duo and 

Trowa entered the limo. 

"I'll get you for this Heero!" Cyril shouted at the departing limo. "I'll make you suffer" 

Cyril turned sharply, sneering at Sara as he walked by her. 

"How could you possibly forgive that SOB? He doesn't deserve to be pitied _or_ forgiven!" 

Sara sadly watched the limo that carried her little brother become smaller and smaller. 

With a sigh, she turned to go back into the house herself. 

"He's already suffered enough"Sara whispered sadly. 

~ Cyril's not a very nice guy. He swears a lot too Poor Heero, he's got more surprises 

in store for him. The poor guy never gets a break. Oh, and no, I haven't forgotten about 

Wufei. Questions? Comments? Criticism? Possibly suggestions? 


	10. Induced Memories

Body ~ Wow, it's been what... a month since I last posted? I know, I'm such a slacker... Well here's part ten, and I should have part eleven out as soon as I get back from vacation. It's so nice having a laptop. Now I can work on my stuff wherever I go! *sarcastically* Oh joy! Anyway, read part ten and tell me what you think. 

Disclaimer: If you _still_ haven't figured it out by now... Gundam Wing and it's characters etc., do not belong to me. 

If Only 

Part X 

By: Penybright 

"I'm sorry, but we have no choice. It's for his own good." 

"There has to be some other way," Relena prompted. 

"I'm sorry Miss Dorlain, but Mr. Yuy needs to be institutionalized," the doctor replied. 

"But, his wounds weren't self inflicted. He's not a danger to himself. He's usually very calm," Relena tried to argue. 

"I'm sure that you're telling the truth, but this is for his own good, as well as yours. He can be properly treated and watched at an institution." 

"Surely, there has to be---" 

"I'm sorry Miss Dorlain, but there is no other way. I'll let you know when visiting hours are." 

Relena nodded numbly, walking out of the doctor's office in a trance-like state. She couldn't believe this was happening. And Heero had been improving too. True, it wasn't exactly a large leap, but it was a minute difference. Even a minute change was good in Heero's case... 

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Relena stepped into the pristine white hallway, her footsteps echoing down the corridor as she walked. Something about this pace really creeped her out, and it wasn't the fact that it was an institution. It was something else... Relena rounded a bend in the hall and walked several steps to a large, metal door with a fiberglass window. She could her a scuffle going on, on the other side of the door, and peeked inside. Two attendants were holding Heero down as he struggled against the bonds they were trying to put him in. 

"Hold still!" one attendant shouted, wrestling with the uncooperative patient. 

"Stop!" Heero cried, fighting against them. "Please stop..." 

Relena shoved the door open, rushing into the room. One look at Heero's eyes confirmed her suspicion. He was having flashbacks of his training. Relena had never know anything besides those memories that could terrify Heero so much. 

"Let him go," Relena ordered. The two orderlies looked at her in disbelief. 

"I'm sorry, miss, but we can't do that. He's mentally unstable, and there's no telling what he could do." 

"Heero won't do anything. Now let him go!" Relena ordered again, stepping over to the bed Heero was partially strapped to. Heero tugged against his bonds, his eyes opened wide with a wild look in them. His chest heaved as his breathing became erratic. 

"What have you done to him?" Relena accused. 

The two attendants merely stared at her. Relena reached a hand out, soothing Heero's sweat-slicked hair back from his face. Heero's frantic eyes shifted to look at her, not sure if she was friend or foe. 

"It's all right Heero. No one's going to hurt you. I'm going to get you out of here." 

Relena's soothing touch, as well as her words, seemed to calm Heero considerably, until the two orderlies approached. Heero tried to cringe away, once again struggling against his bonds. 

"Get away!" Relena shouted angrily. "Can't you see that he's terrified of you? What were you monsters doing to him?!" 

"We were just strapping him down to give him his medication." 

"He tends to get a little violent when we give him the injections," the second attendant finished. Relena grimaced, glaring at both men. 

"Go and get the director of the institution at once," Relena said in low voice, glaring harder for emphasis. The two men hesitated, before scrambling out he door. When they returned, there was an older man with them. 

"Miss Dorlain?" the man with gray streaked hair questioned. 

"Yes?" Relena responded. 

"I was told you wished to speak with me." 

"I would like to inform you of Heero's discharge from this institution." 

"I'm afraid I can't condone that, Miss Dorlain." 

"It's not up to you. I'm taking Heero out of here, and that's final. You people are doing more harm for him than good. Look at him!" Relena accused, pointing to the form huddled on the bed. The doctor looked over to see Heero visibly shaking as he tried to cringe away from everyone in the room except Relena. 

"I can't say I like this Miss Dorlain..." 

"You don't have to like it, just do it," Relena responded, unbuckling the straps that held Heero down. Once free, Heero latched onto Relena's arm as she led him out of the institution. He didn't let go until they arrived at Relena's mansion, and even then he was reluctant to do so. 

"It's going to be long road to recovery," Duo commented to Relena, as the two watched Heero cautiously creep around the mansion. 

"But he _is_ going to recover," Relena responded with determination. 

"I hope so," Duo whispered under his breath. 

~ Hmmm... Heero didn't react very well to being put in an institution, did he? So, was this chapter "up to par"? Questions, comments, criticisms (constructive criticisms)? 


	11. Deep Conversations

It's been a long, long, looooong time since I've update this. I finally got back into writing, and I'm just popping out chapters left and right for all my fics o.0; I apologize for the long wait, but the epilogue for this will be up within a week, and then you needn't worry about me having to update this anymore :-P Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own GW, I never owned GW, and I probably never shall.

If Only

Part XI

By: Penybright

The next month passed slowly, Heero's condition improving at times and declining at others. Just when Relena thought he was going to break through, he would regress. Wufei, after some searching, had been found. He'd been disgusted to see the state Heero was in, and had only stayed for a few days. Relena couldn't blame him, it was rather disturbing to see the once proud pilot in such a state. No one seemed to be able to get through to Heero, and Relena was the only one who seemed to have any effect on his mood swings.

It was a Monday afternoon in November. Winter had set in early for the year. Soft flakes of snow drifted down from cloudy skies, blanketing the ground in fluffy layers. Heero was in his room, staring blankly out at the drifting snow. It seemed to calm him, watching the flakes being tossed about in the chill air. Relena had left him to his silence, descending the stairs to find the other pilots. It was comforting to have them around. They supported each other.

As Relena was making her way through the foyer, the doorbell startled her. Making her way to the door, she gazed through the peephole to find a surprise guest.

"Sara?" Relena questioned as she opened the door for the woman. "What are you doing here?"

"After what happened… I'm sorry about Cyril. He's very volatile, and he never really got over our parents' deaths. I thought I should stay away for a while, but… I need to talk to him. I want him to find closure. He deserves to live a normal life for once."

Relena nodded, offering to take Sara's coat.

"He's upstairs. I'll go get him."

"Thank you…"

Heero stood transfixed at the bottom of the stairs, staring anxiously at his sister. His eyes flitted about, searching for Cyril, waiting for him to attack again. Sara approached her baby brother with caution. He was very fragile right now, and she didn't want to spook him.

"Heero…"

He flinched at his name, looking as if he were about to bolt.

"It's okay. I just want to talk to you… Please?"

Relena watched the scene unfold in fascination. Heero allowed Sara to approach him, if warily. She couldn't help but smile at seeing the two siblings together, as they were meant to be. Sara reached her hand out, not taking Heero's but asking permission with a look. Heero nodded. Smiling warmly, Sara pulled her brother into a hug. Pulling back from the embrace, she took her brother's hand and led him to a quite area in the sitting room. Relena left them alone, not wanting to disturb the moment.

"You used to love the snow when you were a child," Sara smiled wistfully, gazing out the large picture windows. "Heero… I know a lot has happened to you since you were taken from us… I won't even pretend to understand what you've been through."

"I just… want the pain to end," he whispered.

"The pain is what lets you know you're alive little brother. It lets you know you're human."

"I… I have no purpose anymore. I'm not needed."

"I think you know, deep down, that's not true. There's someone who needs you. If you can't pull yourself together, and live life for yourself… at least do it for _her_. She needs you. You're her strength, and with you gone… her world is falling apart. Think about it little brother, won't you?"

Heero nodded, a perplexed expression crossing his face.

"Think about it," Sara smiled softly. "The answer is right in front of your face. I'll always be here for you if you need me, but… family can only encompass so much of your life, and I'm part of your past. Forgive and forget, Heero. Wipe the slate clean and start your own future, free of the ghosts of the past."

Standing up, Sara leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her brother's forehead.

"Keep in touch," she murmured, playfully ruffling his hair. Heero watched her leave, watched her put on her coat and exit through the door. He didn't say goodbye, didn't utter a word. His mind was working furiously, mulling over what his sister had said. '_Forgive and forget…'_

Standing up as if in a trance, Heero made his way to the door. Opening it, he stared out at the peaceful snow covered landscape. Grabbing his coat off the hook by the door, he wondered out into the white solitude.

Yay! Just the epilogue to go, and this sucker is finished :-D


	12. It'll All Be Okay

Ta-dah! One more fic in the finished pile. One less fic for people to threaten me to finish. Life is good :-D

Disclaimer: I own… well, not much really --; GW and it's characters belong to someone other than me. 'Nuff said.

If Only

Epilogue

By: Penybright

Relena was surprised to see Heero's form pass by the kitchen window. She thought he was still with his sister. She had hoped to talk to Sara before she left, and find out a little more about the Yuy family history. Mostly she wanted to know what Heero had been like when he was younger. In some ways, she supposed, he was still like a child. Relena paused for a moment before running upstairs to grab a blanket. Quickly descending the stairs, she headed for the door. Donning a warm coat and gloves, Relena opened the door and stepped out into the still cold.

She found Heero around the back. He had wandered into the picturesque gardens and was seated on one of the ornate wrought iron benches. He was hunched over, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket. He made no indication of noticing her presence as she sat down beside him. Sighing internally, Relena shook out the large, thick blanket and wrapped it around his thin form.

"You should bundle up a bit warmer if you stay out here," Relena chided softly, tucking the blanket around him. Heero's breath misted up in ethereal clouds as he uttered two words that shocked her.

"Thank you."

Relena was frozen. She wasn't sure how to respond. Heero slowly lifted his head, his eyes searching out hers. Relena gasped in a breath, the biting cold almost choking her. She could see something in his eyes that hadn't been there for a while. Life. In that instant, she knew he was going to be okay. It wouldn't be easy, but he was going to make it. As tears threatened to spill over, Relena hugged Heero to her.

"You're welcome," she whispered breathlessly. "And, thank _you_…" The tears she was trying desperately to hold back spilled over as she felt Heero's arms wrap around her. Heero tugged the blanket around her, burrowing against her for warmth, comfort. It was going to be okay.

The End


End file.
